The word of the day

The word of the day (week/month/pregnancy) is TIRED. I have never felt so tired before. It's all. the. time. If I do a lot - exhaustion, if I do nothing - exhaustion and guilt for doing nothing. Stress has been another key word this go-round. Whoever had the brilliant idea of having a baby and running a new(ish) solo business was crazy (yes, I can call myself crazy). In reality, I wasn't expecting it to be this hard. This pregnancy has been a lot different than the last. I also didn't put into account how difficult it is to have a 3 year old while dealing with all of this internal emotional/physical metamorphasis. It's like she and I both are dealing with major developmental upheavals at the same time. Andy has been, and continues to be, amazing. I don't know what I would do without him. He really is an awesome dad to our girl. He is also an awesome partner to me. He lets me wallow when I need to, but makes sure that I get out of it. He supports me. It's amazing.

I feel like one big pile of guilt. I get stressed because being an adult is difficult and life likes to throw you curve balls (and we all know fastballs are better to hit), then I get stressed that stress is bad for fetal development and I feel guilty and even more stressed and that spirals. Then I feel guilty and stressed for not working as hard as I think I should (be it physically, mentally, whatever) on whatever project it is I am working on - either for work or at home or for friends. My brain still thinks I should be able to do everything as well as I could before we started with Hammer. I feel like a slacker or a failure or a let down when I don't. I know this isn't fair to me. And I really am trying to be more patient with myself and give myself a little more leeway. It's just so hard. I devolve into little pity parties too much. And I cry a lot more this time around. That has been a surprise. Crying is my general reaction to stress (positive or negative) of any kind. This is not great as a professional and I have worked very hard to manage it. But for the past month I have probably cried at something 6 out of 7 days a week. It is tiring. Being so stressed is tiring. There is that word again. I am TIRED. Sleeping doesn't help much either. I've hit the point in this pregnancy where I can't get comfortable. When I finally do sleep, my subconscious tries to torture me and I wake up grumpy or sad or frustrated. This is not a positive frame of mind.

I'm trying to take steps to be less stressed. I keep thinking about what my life really is. So many of my friends and family have been going through some really horrible periods in their lives. It has put stress on me, but nowhere near the stress that is on them. In many ways it has made me more aware of what I really have and what I can really do. And my life is amazing. Materially, I may not be what people think a professional should be, but I have it good. I have a home (not just a house), electricity (oh thank the gods for A/C!), food, clothes. But more importantly I have my family, my friends, my mind and education. I have a place to play music and a place to just play. I have a job that I really do like (I just need to get more clients so I can keep doing it). I have a job where I can take a nap when I really need to. I have the space and time to care for myself (which I really need to do more of). I have so much.

Hammer hasn't been getting as much attention as Hammer should. I was thinking the other day about how I don't think I have really enjoyed or even paid attention to this pregnancy as much as I did my first. This has happened for many reasons, but I don't like it. From now on I'm going to try to pay more attention to what is going on with me. I'm going to try to be more patient with myself, more centered with myself (I very much need to meditate). More willing to celebrate what is going on with me and Hammer. I have felt very subdued this time. Again, for many reasons, but I need to celebrate this. It's not "just another pregnancy." It is special. I wish I had been more consciously aware of that fact before now, but it is what it is. I am excited. For all that I am stressed and tired, I am really happy (and really aware of how much I use the word "really"). I am looking forward to this process and this child. We have about 13 more weeks (Tuesday marks the beginning of the 3rd trimester). I am going to celebrate each one. I hope you will join me.